I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
