Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
