Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Drunk is not a location!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
