What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Are my feet made of real feet?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
