Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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