we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
