New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
