Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
