now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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