I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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