I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
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He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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