ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She told me I should be a condom model.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
