I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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