My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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