i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
