His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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