omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
