I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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