Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
