if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
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You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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