dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
