Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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