So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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