So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
