Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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