then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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