Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
