last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
