so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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