i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
