you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
