dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
