Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
