i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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