where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
