last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
