I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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