i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
