I cannot find my penis.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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