I hate all girls vehemently.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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