two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
