you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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