So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
