im drinking this country out of the recession.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
