I must be too annoying 4 u.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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