If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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