hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
