Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
