god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
