He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
