It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
