I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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