You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
