Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just high enough for therapy.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
