Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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