So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
