she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
