there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
